nine and a half



my little guy is nine and a half today.  you know what this means?  he will be TEN!!!

while he has been a happy, funny, smart boy he has begun to assert independence; it must be hard to be little yet feel able and want to be treated like a 'grown-up'.  and it's hard for me too.  actually, the most surprising thing about being a mother to a nine year old is that it is harder, at least for me. 

i'm still learning how to live with a nine year old (i don't want ten to come to quickly) and doing the best i can but i know i want so much to improve. 

i am generally a laid-back mom: building forts with the sofa cushions?  okay. play dates convening in my bedroom to play the drums and jump on the bed?  sure.  getting filthy dirty during outdoor play?  encouraged.  but then, at the same time (and especially lately), i have become this strict,  inpatient, and easily irritated mom whom i don't like at all.

you see, i can delight in him, laugh with him and yet be totally and completely annoyed with him.  the latter often results in my nagging which only brings doom and frustration to my relationship with kai.  it isn't pretty.  i catch myself making the same mistakes all the time (it's humbling when he calls me on it). 

toni morrison shared a sentiment on oprah years ago that i lost track of and need to mend. she asked "does your face light up when your child comes into the room?"  if i answer truthfully, i must, embarrassingly, say no, my face doesn't light up often enough.  her story rings so true for me that my heart hurts, "when my children used to walk in the room...i looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. you think your affection and your deep love is on display because you're caring for them. it's not. when they see you, they see the critical face." 

i want to parent in a more relaxed way, like i used to; focusing on the positive and ignoring the disappointments (like our living room as a place for his dirty clothes).  i have a feeling it will be an amazing improvement if i can pull it off.

when he enters a room i want my eyes to twinkle and have a huge grin on so he knows i am glad he's there.  because i love being kai's mom and i need him to know it without a doubt.