some love from 6 year old kai

6 year old kai

tidying up recently, i came across a notebook filled with things that kai said when he was little. this one, from august 6, 2009, especially stood out, since 6 year old kai refers to his now 17 year old self. 

we had just returned from the okanagan, kai's favourite place to visit during the summers. our little family of three always had such a relaxing and fun time... swimming, shenanigans, and eating all the berries! and the summer fun was continuing at home, at douglas park, with an evening of performance in the park followed by a visit to the playground. 

on this day kai tells me,

"i think i'm going to fall in love with you, when i'm 17 years old." then again repeats, "i think i'm going to fall in love with you." nodding his head, "i will." and he gives me this beautiful smile. i couldn't help but kiss him.

it's been a difficult year for kai and i so when i came upon it, i got teary. we were always close and especially in the last six months i feel like i am not only losing him but that we are estranged. i don't get it, i have always been his parent and he my son. why is it different now?

i have felt a range of emotions. worthless. angry. exhausted. worried. fragile. sick. and the big one, heartbroken. it is draining, seeing slivers of hope that we'll be okay only for it to slip away. i am on edge, knots in my stomach, tense muscles. i try to rid the feeling from my body through a good cry, more times than i can count.

frequently, i lie awake at night and think how ashamed i feel failing as his parent, how hurt i am. i miss him everyday.

the day kai turned 17 years old

i just finished editing the pics from his 17th birthday and you can take a peek at this happy day here. and while there, take a peek at the other september 2020 posts. i think another visit to the carl edhls atelier, for some visual therapy, is needed. or maybe a night away like i did for my birthday, take a peek at our stay in sandhamn.

i have to believe we will be okay; come out on the other side stronger and closer. thanks for 'listening'.