some love from 6 year old kai

6 year old kai

tidying up recently, i came across a notebook filled with things that kai said when he was little. this one, from august 6, 2009, especially stood out, since 6 year old kai refers to his now 17 year old self. 

we had just returned from the okanagan, kai's favourite place to visit during the summers. our little family of three always had such a relaxing and fun time... swimming, shenanigans, and eating all the berries! and the summer fun was continuing at home, at douglas park, with an evening of performance in the park followed by a visit to the playground. 

on this day kai tells me,

"i think i'm going to fall in love with you, when i'm 17 years old." then again repeats, "i think i'm going to fall in love with you." nodding his head, "i will." and he gives me this beautiful smile. i couldn't help but kiss him.

it's been a difficult year for kai and i so when i came upon it, i got teary. we were always close and especially in the last six months i feel like i am not only losing him but that we are estranged. i don't get it, i have always been his parent and he my son. why is it different now?

i have felt a range of emotions. worthless. angry. exhausted. worried. fragile. sick. and the big one, heartbroken. it is draining, seeing slivers of hope that we'll be okay only for it to slip away. i am on edge, knots in my stomach, tense muscles. i try to rid the feeling from my body through a good cry, more times than i can count.

frequently, i lie awake at night and think how ashamed i feel failing as his parent, how hurt i am. i miss him everyday.

the day kai turned 17 years old

i just finished editing the pics from his 17th birthday and you can take a peek at this happy day here. and while there, take a peek at the other september 2020 posts. i think another visit to the carl edhls atelier, for some visual therapy, is needed. or maybe a night away like i did for my birthday, take a peek at our stay in sandhamn.

i have to believe we will be okay; come out on the other side stronger and closer. thanks for 'listening'.

36 / 52 weeks

kai: kai turns 15 today and this mama is having a slight freak out.

stockholm weekend pics, a slow january

i have not been around here very much lately.  following a completely and utterly restful winter break, getting back into a routine has been difficult, throwing me a bit off balance.  

there have been reasons, of course - getting used to going into work daily (a new job!), "single" parenting while stefan is away, lacking sleep, and coping with the continued darkness; i know the the days are getting longer but here in stockholm it really takes its time.  

yet, i have been trying to get the balance and routine back this month with these 5 simple ways:

i take a shot of iron. before moving to stockholm, i took monthly b12 injections but have let it go since being here but in its place i take iron (blutsaft in swedish which translates to blood juice) - i like floradix - which helps keep my energy level up; and i take vitamin d, essential with the darkness that permeates stockholm skies. 

i drink green tea with mint. i never liked green tea and then a friend encouraged me to try it with mint.  i was hooked and incorporated it into my day. 

i bounce!  when kai was little i purchased a mini trampoline which he and his friends put to good use, jumping and flipping onto my bed but i primarily bought it for my own use. cardio is the one thing i know that works to help me manage my weight but i don't like running and spin classes are outrageously expensive here, so i dusted off the trampoline. it's been great fun.  

i cook.  since stefan has been away, kai and i had take-out once.  i mostly cook vegetarian / vegan and it has me feeling really well.  no, i haven't stopped eating animal products, i can't give up my eggs... eaten with kalle (creamed caviar) just like the swedes. yum.

i go to bed so that i get at least 7 - 8 hours of sleep.  i am a night owl by nataure but this makes my mornings sluggish and unproductive, not a great start to the day especially now that i need to be at work at 8:30.  how i wake up matters to me and so my rushed mornings was bothering me.  i have gotten better... working out, taking time for a cup of tea, and eating breakfast a handful of times this month, which is progress for me.  

these are practices i hope to keep throughout the year.  fingers crossed. 

now, to weekend pics... here is a peek at the some of the photos i took during our january weekends:

thank you so much for hanging out in this space, it means so much to me.  hope you had wonderful weekends this month. xo

towards a warmer climate

there is a little more that can change the trajectory of an afternoon than a mistake.

kai works on his homework but he wants to be playing on the xbox.  he settles at the kitchen table to give it a try as i make a snack.  peanut butter and apples, cucumber slices, a chocolate covered rice cracker.

i join him at the kitchen table and we work.  he studies for his science test as i prepare blog posts, edit photos, research for our upcoming vacation, plug in work dates into my calendar.  we chat, he shares school stories about the vegan speaker in his individual and societies class, the lunch on offer at school that day was a good one, the funny youtube video.  i listen. i observe.  i embrace the chit chat but notice not much studying is happening. 

i offer helpful suggestions to get him focused.  they are not welcome.  he offers no solutions, just smart alecky responses.  i find his objections to my help grating.  a lovely late afternoon at the kitchen table turns... i yell.  

a mistake that wasn't in the plan.  kai is hurt and disappointed, eyebrows furrowed, lost in my sudden outburst.  how confusing to have his mother turn on him, no notice.  the sunny day letting in warmth and light into our kitchen seems to cloud over.  

my heart breaks to have hurt him, to have turned our warm and cozy kitchen to a cold uninviting cave. 

a mistake. how does the saying go, we should embrace our mistakes and learn from them... evidently, it's hard for me.  parenting is hard. 

nevertheless when mistakes arrive, as they do, i think i am a little more prepared than the last time.  i started yoga again, i remember to breathe, i empathize, i set the tone and make it warm again.  i am the grown-up after all.

so, i make a silly face.  i bring out fabrique's nut and cranberry bars.  and another chat to reassure my love...  eventually, the clouds part and the kitchen is warm again.

i can't wait to catapult ourselves to oman for a much needed vacation... warmth and togetherness to reset, recharge, and relax.

stockholm weekend pics, djurgarden

motherhood, hard work and pure love... it was a difficult start to the weekend.  and then things changed...

1. saturday night dinner with friends... a good dose of laurie is exactly what the doctor ordered and her boys were the icing on the cake.

2. the weather sunday was absolutely perfect.  so cold but super sunny!  we took the ferry to djurgården for an "afternoon tea" at rosendals trädgård, swedish style...

  

  

3. and then a loooong walk to thielska galleriet...

4. museums and galleries are the best pick-me-up.

hope you had a sunny and lovely weekend... minus any melancholy.